Of mixed thought.

For countless times, when the rhythms filled the empty corners, I knew, things are going to be OK. & for many many times either, I get empowered, knowing the bad hours is over.

I once text ed out: when you feel comfort & eased every time you heard the voice, you know it has touched your soul, & etched your memories.

So please don't ask me, what do I like about him. We all know, what attracted us in the beginning, stays for just a period, then vanished into thin air without we even knowing it.

10 years. I would say to sums up everything in 10 years by just a word, it's greedy. & stupid in many ways.

Things changed. When the least you expect them.

A few months ago I decided to write my memoirs, a project I knew was going to bring me closer to an amazing turning point in my life. From the moment I wrote the first phrase I was sure the book was the tool that was going to help me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time. Things that were too heavy for me to keep inside. Writing this account of my life, I got very close to my truth. And this is something worth celebrating.

For many years, there has been only one place where I am in touch with my emotions fearlessly and that's the stage. Being on stage fills my soul in many ways, almost completely. It's my vice. The music, the lights and the roar of the audience are elements that make me feel capable of anything. This rush of adrenaline is incredibly addictive. I don't ever want to stop feeling these emotions. But it is serenity that brings me to where I'm at right now. An amazing emotional place of comprehension, reflection and enlightenment. At this moment I'm feeling the same freedom I usually feel only on stage, without a doubt, I need to share.

Many people told me: "Ricky it's not important", "it's not worth it", "all the years you've worked and everything you've built will collapse", "many people in the world are not ready to accept your truth, your reality, your nature". Because all this advice came from people who I love dearly, I decided to move on with my life not sharing with the world my entire truth. Allowing myself to be seduced by fear and insecurity became a self-fulfilling prophecy of sabotage. Today I take full responsibility for my decisions and my actions.

If someone asked me today, "Ricky, what are you afraid of?" I would answer "the blood that runs through the streets of countries at war...child slavery, terrorism...the cynicism of some people in positions of power, the misinterpretation of faith." But fear of my truth? Not at all! On the contrary, It fills me with strength and courage. This is just what I need especially now that I am the father of two beautiful boys that are so full of light and who with their outlook teach me new things every day. To keep living as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids where born with. Enough is enough. This has to change. This was not supposed to happen 5 or 10 years ago, it is supposed to happen now. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment.

These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn't even know existed.

What will happen from now on? It doesn't matter. I can only focus on what's happening to me in this moment. The word "happiness" takes on a new meaning for me as of today. It has been a very intense process. Every word that I write in this letter is born out of love, acceptance, detachment and real contentment. Writing this is a solid step towards my inner peace and vital part of my evolution.

I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am. -RM

I questioned my emotions after I read the article. I shouldn't has the type of depressed feelings, yet I kept having the thought of: Of all the many people in this world, why him?!

Worsen when none of my friends found it shocking like I did.

I wouldn't say I was telling lie to myself all this while, only to have him portrayed as an idealised idol of mine. I wouldn't build up an image, simply for my own satisfaction. I truly admire his goals, his works, his mind all these while, even if they are indeed some public image.

I've finally have an answer, to my questionable depression towards his confession.

For many years, I wish I can be like him, doing what we are passionate of, inspiring & encouraging others while having things right.

Now I've learnt, acceptance. From now on, you can ask me, why him

离别的时节。

MJ的死，我并没有像很多很多人那样，觉得悲哀。某种程度上，我觉得一个人的人格和作品一样重要。他可以是个走错方向的巨星，也可算是个唱歌跳舞很棒的怪胎。

简单地说，我没有很喜欢他。

再来，是赵明福。有人说那是：black murder under bright lights。我想是的。来龙去脉，我至今还不清楚。所以不想多说，暗地里为他祷告便好。

毕竟，我政治冷感，也坦白说，我是时事白痴。

那天，终于看了《入殓师》。

死，其实再平常不过，那是每个人哪天将要面对的一刻。讽刺的是，我们往往天真以为，我还有很长的日子可以活，可以挥霍。哪天面对分离，活着时的纷争，瞬间瓦解，却显得手足无措。

像电影中说的：人生最后买的一件物品，是由别人来决定的。

我确定，再看一遍，眼泪肯定掉下来。


不明白，这是个什么季节，为何“死”离不开报头，避不过人人谈吐间的空气?

Yasmin Ahmad。我错过了Sepet，赶上了Talentime，却再也看不着她往后的作品。我想，就连她自己，也出乎意料吧。

天，渐渐也灰了。

我怕了，怕误了些什么，以后空留遗憾。可怕的不是死亡，而是惊觉人生无常的那一刻，叫人觉得心寒。所以，我想说的，我不隐瞒，生怕以后再也没有说出口。我能做的，我想，你们该感受到了。我就不想，哪天，大家面对离别的当儿，还得承担遗憾的苦楚。

你们都还好吧? 我回来了。

为时未晚。

朋友说：如果我们马来西亚发生地震，那真的是大新闻了。

是的，的而且确。我们很幸运地，处于一个安逸，没有天灾的地理环境里。

缅甸风灾，四川地震，先前中国雪灾，还有历历在目的Tsunami海啸...我们都很完整的不被牵涉其中。

究竟，地球怎么了? 它正为自身的痛哀号，仰或一回接一回地向人类的愚昧发出警告?!

《群》里有一句话很好：当大海有了智慧，第一个念头竟是杀人。虽为虚构，却引人深思。

对那些常说“你这点作为帮不到些什么的”的人，不能理解他们脑袋里的环保意识，该怎么解读。尽了努力就好，也许微不足道，但最重要是有根深蒂固的概念，我是这么想的。

如果幸运可以任意挥霍，那也可以有用完的一天。

对已不幸遇害的人，我献上同情。

哪天，我们也可能沦为震惊全球的受害者。

后记。

我又上报了。这回和SOLER无关，而是这个。

朋友说我眼肿鼻肿脸肿，问我有酱肥的咩? 说我真的像一只KINGKONG。然后她还补一句说：看起来有一点点落魄，不像成功了酱。

呵呵，我笑了。告诉她，刚睡醒的水肿脸，是酱的啦。

原来朋友堆里还有人会"从头翻倒尾看报纸"，续而发现我08年第二回见报。

告诉以前的老板，我上报了。他问：和SOLER合照啊?! 我吐嘈，说我不是每一次都这么无聊的。换来一句，你还知道自己无聊哦。妈的。

自己看了看报导，觉得还好。要说成功，自己也许真的还有好长的路，得努力迈前。

问同事，他是否觉得自己成功了? 成功对他来讲又是什么? 他顿顿，说50/50。只要自己活得健康，可以和家人朋友相处愉快，那就是成功。他也说：像我说想要去一个地方旅行，然后做到了，也是成功的一种。

我想也是。拥有了金钱，换掉了健康，陪掉了情；又还有舍意义?

老妈摇了电过来，说看见我上报了，问我为何不告知一声? 她说: 没想到我会发表这些东西。她以为自己的儿子很"水"。

她经过生活的苦楚，也许觉得要有钱，才算成功。偏偏我是没有钱，心灵却很富裕的"不孝子"。

在电话的另一头，听见不断传来的笑声，发现老妈子很高兴。也许，那篇报道，多少令他放下了心头大事了吧。原来我们不以为然的小事，可以让他们觉得骄傲安慰。

我告诉友人，一些时候觉得自己好像很烂。可细细去想，自己却好像过得还不赖。有点阿Q，却也不坏。

脱轨，可我还是好好的行着一条路。

卫生? 谁理你。

昨天的报纸，有一则新闻，大意写说邻国不符合卫生标准的餐馆，比往年增多了。"罪状"大约有：

将解冻了的肉类再度放入冰箱。忙的时候随便用手擦拭碗碟的污点。处理了生的食材，没洗手便处理熟食。将送到的食材搁在地板上...等等等。

如果说，这么点便叫做不符合卫生标准的话，真相，也许会令卫生局跌破眼镜。

我干这行的，所以知道。

人说社会在进步，生活水平在升高。某些方面，却不是那回事。

做老板的，不看清楚劳力的极限，而一直往staff costing那里开刀。一刀砍下，减少一个人力，立刻省下一笔。他们怎么办事，睁一只眼便可以。

所以，以后看见别人不用手套处理我们的食物，不用惊讶，也不用愤怒，要看清楚。如果正处于繁忙时段，原谅一下；店里头没有几个人，也原谅一下，反正食材大多不怎么新鲜。

如果以为，你们给了钱，便应得最佳的服务，小心最后自己的食物被添加好料。

很多人，工作都得过且过，贴切点是没有职业道德，对吗? 就算再怎么坚持，始终会被一连串不平衡心理想法慢慢剥削，沦陷。

以后遇见很热心服务的业者，别说那是他们该做的，我们应得的。要感激，还有人能让我们拥有美好的心情。不小心碰上糟糕的service，摇摇头，那不过小事一桩，过了就算。

要卫生，自己来最好。

Suicidal Indulgence!

I browsed the Sin Chew daily halfway watching ANTM at home, & some nice pics of sundaes & desserts captured my eyes. & the tiny column on the page's corner just cheered me up.

All you can eat. Already a good news to many. From Haagen-Dazs?! Gosh. That's a marvellous news to me. Perhaps to some of my buddies as well if they were indulged 4 free. No?!

RM33.9 exclusive taxes. It's quite a moderate price as a single scoop from them costs about RM10 usually. Erm...the flavors availability will be limited defininitely. But as long as the basic Vanilla, Choc & Strawberry are offered, it's pretty much acceptable.

Of course I do hope they are gonna offer a wider variety from their menu. Say Strawberry Cheesecake, Tiramisu, Mango, Green Tea etc. I'm already having imaginations scooping all my favorite ice cream by now.

So...Who's joining me? A journey into an event which will followed by a visitation to a dentist near by. Haha.

越读阅酸。

翻开最近的报章，看到他她的脸孔，都有着让人称羡的俊俏可爱，却被命运残酷地捉弄，不由得心酸起来。

不想再多余谈说凶徒是多么的惨无人性，干下那么一般人无法想象的暴行。只想，将这些天的读后感，浅浅地记下。

有些奇怪，自从小努汀，NURIN的尸体被发现以后，版头出现了好多失踪少女的新闻。为何一直以来都没有被报导过？为了安抚平民的心，让大家可以很安稳地过斋戒月？还是一日没被残虐致死，事态不算严重，没有报导的必要？

可以体谅查基敏，JAZIMIN ABDUL JALIL的心情，有谁会希望自己失踪的女儿，或者任何的亲友，会是断了气的冰冷躯体。认了，等于放弃了继续寻找的可能。虽然，DNA的检验结果高达99.99％是小努汀，但还是有最后的0.01％的可能吧？

那也是为何，当她认领了小努汀，会用无奈的口气回答一再追问的记者：根据DNA报告，99.99%是我女儿。无可奈何，也没有别的选择。如果他一再坚持，非得要来第二回的DNA检验，他人会否觉得他冥顽不灵？觉得他固执地不愿接收现实？

尤其他认了女儿遗体后的崩溃大哭，泪流满面的模样，无不让人也为他难过。

然后，他能抵受的压力可以有多大？这边霜刚认了，下葬了女儿，那边霜还得面对疏忽以致儿女遇害的检控。会否有点太可笑了？他们真的认为一个三十三岁的的士司机可以有超人的抗压能力？先别管他是否真会被控，一个七八岁的小孩一个人逛夜市难道有错？难道查基敏，还有其他一众的为人父母者，得将孩子绑在身边，直到一个政府认可的年龄才可以让他们学习成长，学会独立？

可笑。我是这么觉得的。

也许，国家政府一再地提点，教会我们提高安全意识，会比事发后忽然搬个大家都不熟悉的儿童保护法令出来，杀一儆百地加诸受害人的痛，更有说服力。

还有便是，与其最后真相大白似的将一箩的失踪启事公开，搞得人心惶惶；倒不如别再尝试掩遮太多的各种罪案，加紧警力和各方安全机构的效率，会提高一两个小孩获救的可能。

多付出一份关怀和爱，学会关心和互相帮忙，我们大家都会有一个安全美好的生活环境。还是，要等到了黑暗不幸降落在我们身上，才来感叹，埋怨，纪人忧天？

希望查基敏，和他的一家大小，能快些走出阴霾，稍稍感受将近的开斋节。

真诚地祝他：SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI。