开房

自认有点胆小。

那几天在印度darjeeling，入住了一家还算便宜的guesthouse。二楼，房很大，有普通两间房间的size。一边摆了张床，浴室在隔壁。另一边有两张椅子和桌子供休息用，墙上挂有一面镜子。

最厉害的是，椅子桌子旁边隔开了很大一个角落，暗暗地，什么也没有，象是供人祈祷用的。

我问大姐，有没有小房？ 她笑了，指向那个角落说：喏，你要小房就给你这里。

夜晚，darjeeling很冷，我没有厚实的衣物，唯有尽可能将自己裹在棉被里。房里黄灯昏暗，那种感觉不用多说，心照。我将电视扭开，转到了动物频道，转移注意力。

然后自己慢慢睡去，任由电视里头的动物乱跑乱跳…

其实想想，我对印度鬼没什么印象。像油鬼仔？ 还是一样长发灰脸红眼睛？ 无论如何，还是觉得怪怪的，所以自己一般入住较为“特殊”的环境，我都会将电灯亮着入睡。

有没有睡好？不知道。

现在我的房间很小，在曼谷thanon khaosan的隔一条街，背包客的天堂。低楼，房外便是走廊，随时会有人声。我心想，这次可睡好了。

晚上我关了灯，将棉被拉好，脑袋却浮现了coming soon*两字...

*泰国鬼片，女鬼怪吓人的。

山上的第一篇幅。

这是一则真人真事。

那天，我忙着，客人很多，要求五花八门。 我撇见一角有几位女士，对着我的店指指点点，然后拿起相机照了几张照。 然后其中一人过来，用英语问了我一个问题，以下是我们的对话记录。

"why you put the weighing scale there ah?"

"huh?!"

"the weighing scale. why you put there?" 她指向店面上方，外人来来往往容易看见的一角。

"ohhh!! because behind the wall we have a cabinet, so the we put the thing there..."

"no cannot!! you must put it down!!

我开始明白是怎回事，却装傻。

"and what is the other thing ah? u must take it down also!!"

"OK!"

"take it down later!"

然后她像取得了胜利地离开，和其他几人聚合。 我刻意拉了个员工，在她面前指指点点。

她到回来。

"i see you have problem of thinking who am I?"

"ya...you are?"

"i'm the GENTING TENANCY MANAGER."

"ohhh...but you should've introduced right?"

"i can see you are very new here."

"yes. i am new"

"i'm here for very long time. take it down later."

很多时候，这种人真的让人觉得沮丧。　我不知她是否知晓，我早知道她是什么身份，却装傻。职位，一点都不重要。为何她有一幅不可一世的样子，以为所有人都该对她谦卑?

慢慢觉得，职位高，水准不一定高。　有水准的人，　职位高否一点都不重要。

tenancy manager?! 不外如是，说华语她该会舒服很多。

M1: BROS bottle

M here doesn't mean mature, metro sexual, money or even Martin. But mission.

Up until the minutes these article is written, I still think a water bottle which cost RM49.90 is kinda expensive. Or it is expensive.

But that just what I bought last week.

BROS. I'm unsure if it's indeed as luxurious as it seems, but my motive is simple. Trying to reduce a little of plastic usage.

Maybe many don't realize, nor having the least idea of, how many rubbish & trashed items we Human produce a day. Let's imagine this.

One chained retail coffeehouse brings at least one big bag rubbish a day. Then we have a total of 45 same brand stores nationwide. And we have uncountable different cafes, restaurants, mamak etc in our country. & to add up to the calculation, 1 bag only = those slow volume outlet outside major mega malls.

I do believe in this. For what we don't see, we don't see the picture. For what we never been, we take things for granted.

I used to buy a mineral water while taking bus back to my hometown, & the plastic bottle often dumped straight into the rubbish bin once I'm home. RM2.50 x 2 ways. I would have created some high value in-disposable trash while quenching my thirst.

& I do watch cinema movies very often. I'm not a fan of chilled soft drinks yet most of the times I would have bought one or two. & left some mess only the cinema staffs know after the movie.

What I'm doing is not to create some huge changes to save the World, but only some tiny effort in doing good deeds.

Of mixed thought.

For countless times, when the rhythms filled the empty corners, I knew, things are going to be OK. & for many many times either, I get empowered, knowing the bad hours is over.

I once text ed out: when you feel comfort & eased every time you heard the voice, you know it has touched your soul, & etched your memories.

So please don't ask me, what do I like about him. We all know, what attracted us in the beginning, stays for just a period, then vanished into thin air without we even knowing it.

10 years. I would say to sums up everything in 10 years by just a word, it's greedy. & stupid in many ways.

Things changed. When the least you expect them.

A few months ago I decided to write my memoirs, a project I knew was going to bring me closer to an amazing turning point in my life. From the moment I wrote the first phrase I was sure the book was the tool that was going to help me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time. Things that were too heavy for me to keep inside. Writing this account of my life, I got very close to my truth. And this is something worth celebrating.

For many years, there has been only one place where I am in touch with my emotions fearlessly and that's the stage. Being on stage fills my soul in many ways, almost completely. It's my vice. The music, the lights and the roar of the audience are elements that make me feel capable of anything. This rush of adrenaline is incredibly addictive. I don't ever want to stop feeling these emotions. But it is serenity that brings me to where I'm at right now. An amazing emotional place of comprehension, reflection and enlightenment. At this moment I'm feeling the same freedom I usually feel only on stage, without a doubt, I need to share.

Many people told me: "Ricky it's not important", "it's not worth it", "all the years you've worked and everything you've built will collapse", "many people in the world are not ready to accept your truth, your reality, your nature". Because all this advice came from people who I love dearly, I decided to move on with my life not sharing with the world my entire truth. Allowing myself to be seduced by fear and insecurity became a self-fulfilling prophecy of sabotage. Today I take full responsibility for my decisions and my actions.

If someone asked me today, "Ricky, what are you afraid of?" I would answer "the blood that runs through the streets of countries at war...child slavery, terrorism...the cynicism of some people in positions of power, the misinterpretation of faith." But fear of my truth? Not at all! On the contrary, It fills me with strength and courage. This is just what I need especially now that I am the father of two beautiful boys that are so full of light and who with their outlook teach me new things every day. To keep living as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids where born with. Enough is enough. This has to change. This was not supposed to happen 5 or 10 years ago, it is supposed to happen now. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment.

These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn't even know existed.

What will happen from now on? It doesn't matter. I can only focus on what's happening to me in this moment. The word "happiness" takes on a new meaning for me as of today. It has been a very intense process. Every word that I write in this letter is born out of love, acceptance, detachment and real contentment. Writing this is a solid step towards my inner peace and vital part of my evolution.

I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am. -RM

I questioned my emotions after I read the article. I shouldn't has the type of depressed feelings, yet I kept having the thought of: Of all the many people in this world, why him?!

Worsen when none of my friends found it shocking like I did.

I wouldn't say I was telling lie to myself all this while, only to have him portrayed as an idealised idol of mine. I wouldn't build up an image, simply for my own satisfaction. I truly admire his goals, his works, his mind all these while, even if they are indeed some public image.

I've finally have an answer, to my questionable depression towards his confession.

For many years, I wish I can be like him, doing what we are passionate of, inspiring & encouraging others while having things right.

Now I've learnt, acceptance. From now on, you can ask me, why him

这天。

浑浊，这是我对过去几天生活下的结论。

思绪乱时，日子跟着过得浑浑噩噩地，时间观仿佛消失无踪。然后矛盾与疑惑慢慢侵袭脑袋，寸寸剥削掉自信和力气。

一直到昨天。


昨天，新的工作环境，第一回让我觉得充满朝气。适度的忙，远远好过过分的闲。我于是，发了则短讯，探探上司的满意度。

Of coz..that's why I want you to be at upt..all the boss will be happy if the sales improve after you took over...but sad u leaving..:( 我得到的回复。

字里行间透漏的讯息，让我顿了顿，兴奋感瞬间停了。想起友人问的，我会否意气用事? 我想，不是的，再不离开，我会对这个comfort zone赖死不走了，我想。

arhhh...you pray everyday sales like this before i tender my letter lah. :D 我这么回复，最后那个smiley，有点倔强。


然后回家上网，99则Facebook notifications，将我先前的纪录狠狠刷新。

两个photo album， 117张相片，将近四十的难以替代的脸孔。大家你一句，我一句，管它是否有的没的，不理会有多自恋，嘴有多贱...读着读着，觉得煞是难得。

有人问说: so, happy lah?! 99个notifications喔...

开心，是肯定的。它是互动的结晶，友情还没触礁的证明。虚有的交情，多没乐趣。


将时间稍微调早一些些，就在我发出了那则简讯，然后还没开始上网，正回着家的路上。脑海里，反反复复着一段调调，一首歌。

SOLER的《暗器》，他们早期的作品。

暗器暗里慢慢 刺入他心扉 没有戒备
差点生了杀机 没处可避

试过设法尽力 避免触摸到你 或者紧紧抱你
紧守咫尺距离 荆棘恋上了蔷薇

没有理由，不需要道理，它的旋律，还有字字浮现的歌词，完全俘虏了当下的听觉。当我沉醉于Facebook时，耳边不停地重复着这一首歌。

于是，我向人说：唔知点解，《暗器》is the song of the day. :)

忽地，觉得生活其实很好。不需要华丽的装潢，没有勉强的话语，就只有简单的自我调整。life's indeed Magical.

你们的用心，我看见了。

那天，在我即将离去的那刻，他的表情，是那么的真切。我不知该说些什么，只能嬉弄他的感情丰富，说些让自己看来很不以为然的话。

他，是我的员工。

就算到了今天，还有人说：之前听说他一直在奉承我，是否属实? 我听了，笑笑，不甚作答。

今天，电话的那一头，他透漏的语气混淆着失望，还有无奈。我听着听着，不知能说些什么，希望自己的几句“对不起”能让他好过一点。

他，是我的上司。

有人问说：为何我不要调换至于另一个区域，这个上司有点... 我听了，只说，他对我不差。

呵呵，写着写着，想笑，冷冷地笑。

辛辛苦苦建立起来的默契，狠狠瓦解的瞬间，我办不到些什么。只能淡淡地告诉自己，我一直都以心相待。几行字，纪念我们合作的时光。

i'm just a man who isn't good with words, who acts like a headless fly when panic, & covers my true feelings with fake expressions.

the time with you all, have been a blessings, though i'm sure i've told you people countless times.

rest assured, it's etched, eternally, in my Heart.

is there anything i left out? i hope not. the things i don't tell, doesn't mean i don't care. what i've said, i meant them.

i shall return, sooner than you think. Adios. :)

Merely An E-Letter

I still remember the times when Internet wasn't popular, or affordable by many, we used to write a message or 2 on a card, enclosed it in a Red Envelope, then send them out with our most sincerity.

those were the moments, waiting never a waste of time.

it is understandable, with the speeding changes on our style of living, words often expressed in texts, & minds read via E-messages.

now in the World, waiting is such a luxurious behaviour.

i do hope, there is any chances nowadays, which i am able to disconnect myself from anything cyber, & have a good time.

so, before I sign myself off FB, to fully cherish the moments with the faces matter most for the next few days, hopefully, I am here, writing.

To all the Solermates, we will share some good tunes, 2 nice looking hot bods, & countless laughter and joy again, when the Sun rises again. which I'm pretty sure, it won't be long.

To all the talents in the mind inspiring industries, life had been wonderful, with the materials u all created. in the near future, your 'Next' is simply worth looking forward to.

To the nice people I met in every far & away land, any trips would be dull without you involved. shall we just arrange some time to meet up again?

To everyone who's working & have worked with me, it is always such a pleasure with you around. I know you all are demanding, & I am such a pain in the ass, but this is how sparkles, lights up the boring working atmosphere.

Lastly, to someone who behave like a Fly, things never end, unless we make them. i'm not sure if the situation is a rut now to u, but stay a while more, let's see if there's Magic.

love the drawing, forgot if i did tell u.

Till we meet again someday somewhere, I am here wishing you all, live well, eat healthy, spend wisely. & a great year of Tiger ahead.

Let's prosper in Love, in Life. Gong Xi Fa Cai. :)

Fire & Ice.

my friend once said I'm like Fire. easily get along, & bring everything near burn into arrays of flame.

which means i'm popular. sort of. merely on the wall of fake illusions.

i responded: yupe. bought everything up high burning, then left because i don't know how to put them off.

then this friend is like Ice. to me at the very least. freezing cool, tend to chill everyone near into statues of iceberg.

which means he's popular too. obviously. who doesn't want to try conquer & melt the icy behaviour?

he replied: *yawn* i only see ice through my eyes. Hahaha

when the 2 of us clash? is it going to be the End of the World? perhaps not.

2 of us are famous, with the different elemental character. i who like to put sparks in the group i'm in, he who try to chill away all the unwanted approaches he gets.

2 of us are poor, in the opposite site of social acts. i who would always turn people down by not keeping things warm, he who would disappoints himself by the Atlantic power of his.

2 of us are fake, what people see ain't what they are getting. i who have a diamond hard stone beyond all the smiles, he who has the warmest sparkle of light within all the stares.

when the 2 of us clash? i think it's going disaster. he will bring up the Best of his Ego, denying he's actually breaks easily. & i shall bring out just the ultimate power of Sun, to prove i'm impossible to freezed.

& the War has just begun. so as the fun.

相处。

一些东西，像电影，音乐，话语，我们会有先入为主的影响。

就说音乐好了。听惯了的，尽管并非原唱，我们会深深爱上。然后一天听见原唱，就算它是经典，我们还是觉得不太对。

还有话语。假设我们习惯了用英语和某人沟通，始终换不了其它的语言。

那么，人与人相处的模式，是否也有同样的现象?

有些人，我们不常见面，我们习惯用MSN，或FB聊天，也可以用SMS互相贬低彼此，完全像是好朋友一般。但当彼此碰面之时，会语塞，会有舌头纠结的现象。然后下一秒钟大家离开，SMS又来了，彼此又“忽地”要好了，又笑了。

究竟，我们见面时的尴尬，是怎么一回事?

又有些人，我们常见面，聊得很开，就像知道彼此肚里收着几条虫似的。一旦在网络上碰面，礼貌性地send了: HI, how are you? 再加一个笑脸，就完全停住了。忽然，彼此向陌生人版，说什么都像作假，刻意虚伪，会想到底应该说些什么。

究竟，我们不见时的陌生，是怎么一回事?

若果说，相处之道也有先入为主的方式，我会选择后者。

始终觉得，彼此碰面时的要好，会比较真诚。互动也活活地在眼前，不会受任何谣言动摇。我会相信他在网络的另一端忙着，无暇闲聊。也会相信没有再聊的必要，彼此平常说得还不够吗?

前者呢?

就由我，慢慢将你心中的冰山劈开，除非你不要。:)